In a surprise press conference, Donald Trump announced the creation of a new film award meant to replace what he called the “completely overrated” Oscars. The new prize bears the grandiose name “The Golden Hair Strand” and will be presented by the newly founded academy “The Truly Tremendous American Film Awards” — or TTAFA for short. Trump himself has already described it as “bigger, better, and above all, more beautiful” than the Oscars.
First Ceremony Held at the White House
The first ceremony took place that very same evening in fitting style in the White House ballroom, which organizers claimed had “never been this golden before.”
The award for Best Actress went to none other than Melania Trump for her role in the documentary Melania, which the jury said “showcases an impressive acting performance in a genre where people don’t normally act.” Observers noted that her ability to display absolutely no emotion over extended periods of time was especially praised as “revolutionary minimalism.”
The award for Best Director went to Brett Ratner (introduced by Trump as “Brat Ratner, an incredible guy, a fantastic guy”). His work on Melania was praised as “bold, patriotic, and surprisingly entertaining for a film with no recognizable plot.”
Trump Also Honored
The founder himself did not go home empty-handed: Donald Trump was retroactively awarded Best Supporting Actor for his legendary seven-second appearance in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1990). In his acceptance speech, he emphasized:
“A lot of people, very smart people, say it was the best scene in the movie. Without me, the kid would probably still be lost.”
Lifetime Achievement Award Raises Eyebrows
Particularly controversial reactions were sparked by the decision to award the Lifetime Achievement Award to Bill Cosby. The jury justified its decision by saying:
“We believe in second chances — and third, fourth, and fifth ones too.”
Future Plans
Trump has already announced that the TTAFA will take place “every year — or whenever I feel like it.” New categories are also reportedly in the works, including “Best Film Hated by the Woke Mafia” and “Best Patriotic End Credits.”
Hollywood’s reaction so far has been restrained — although some studios are reportedly already interested, especially after it became known that all nominees automatically win.
